(Note to new readers: Should sarcasm displease- read no further)
Dear recruitment agent who sent me a lovely e-mail this morning asking if I’m interested in an Accounts Assistant job currently vacant.
Unfortunately I’ll have to decline
You see, I haven’t worked outside my home
In over three years
And in my home, I work casually:
Sometimes I clean yesterdays dishes
Sweep dirt under my couch with my four day old sock
Sometimes I pick up a sweeping brush
Proudly make my own meals
Sometimes I chop the tops off my fingernails
Forget that a knife is sharp
Sometimes I burn myself
Forget that a grill pan and toaster are HOT
Sometimes I forget what I’m doing
Find myself searching for clues.
As for outside my home?
I like to take an amble in my garden
Where I often find my legs stuck.
I rarely leave my four walls alone
Don’t drive beyond my local town
Only do so after days of rest
Repeating no sooner than a month later.
A visit to a friend leaves me recovering
The way an ultra-runner recovers
From a blistering race across the Sahara.
Road trips? They’re out too
My body seizes while sitting in the one spot
Nausea swirls easily and the headaches come on
At the slightest sound of noise.
I don’t remember the last time I went clothes shopping
I only go food shopping now, joining my husband
He takes care of the list, I mind the trolley
Holding it with both hands
Carefully pulling my legs.
These legs aren’t made for walking
They saunter, grump up when asked to move
My hips seize, legs weaken
Don’t ask them to take on stairs
Stairs make my legs and heart race,
My arms throw tantrums too
Refuse to raise themselves beyond my shoulder
Burn at my shoulder, wrist and hand.
Oh and the exhaustion, that’s present everyday
I sleep for twelve to fourteen hours
Spend my days amid avid rest
Either on my trusty couch, or outside
On my garden bench.
I can’t follow the plots of TV
Or concentrate on the words of a book
I like to read poetry
(Skipping poems more than a page in length)
I re-read poetry
Forgetting which one I’ve read.
Dear recruitment agent,
Call back again.